Die illusie van lig,
Waar die strale verdwyn,
In die verte van die niks,
Gesluk in die leun,

Geen toekoms vol geluk,
Net die donker wat wag,
Die poorte van die hemele,
Verkrummelde steen,

Kom en neem my son skyn,
Dat ek weet dit is verby,
Kom en neem my son skyn,
Kom en haal vir my…

Versoeke te vergeefs,
Op dowe niks wat intiem luister,
Pleit van die verlore,
Soos die ewigheid saggies fluister,

Kom en neem my son skyn,
Sodat ek kan sien dit is waar,
Dat die niks wel so donker is,
Kom en kry dit klaar…

Kom en neem my son skyn,
Kom en neem my son skyn,
Kom en neem my son skyn,
Dan neem ek joune ook,
– Jaco Slabbert (2010)

I can’t even think of where to begin with describing what an idiot move this has been from the leadership of the ANC. Over-sensitive, eh? This is probably the most ironic statement the ANC could have made, considering that they’ve been bitching about the same bullshit for 16 years. Yet, I do feel we should give them the benefit of the doubt; let’s deal with this on a blow-by-blow account.

Lets first deal with the so-called “vulgarisation” of the song: Let’s say for argument’s sake that we were “misinterpreting” the song, that it does refer to the Apartheid struggle. In case you fuckers haven’t noticed, the struggle has been over for 16 years! 16 FUCKING YEARS! There were people born after the end of apartheid who are now old enough to legally fuck… in my mind this means that we should stop focusing on how the past has fucked it up for everyone and maybe, just maybe, we can look towards the rising sun, towards the future of our nation. On that topic, let’s look at two elements: The changing of street-names, and the Afrikaner-struggle song “De La Rey” which had such a huge impact on those over-sensitive racist fucks in our national assembly… The ANC has been so focused on changing the names of streets, cities and public parks that carry the names of old “apartheid” enforcers. The really funny thing is that half the names of these “enforcers” were there WAY before Apartheid itself was! Most of these names are the product of the Afrikaner-struggle against the British, but I don’t see them trying to protect these in our history. Dear ANC, if it wasn’t for these Afrikaners who fought those rednecks tooth and nail, we’d be in the same boat as India and so many other colonized nations; struggling under British rule for our own independence. What you bastards fail to realize is that the wars the Boers fought at the end of the 19th century were for the freedom and independence of ALL PEOPLE, not just the Afrikaner. We were fighting occupation by a foreign force! We weren’t the foreign force, as at that stage we had been in the country for over 200 years.. that makes us indigenous by any logic and definition. This, I think, also gives us the right to honour our own struggle veterans in popular Afrikaner culture; ala Bok van Blerk’s song “De La Rey” (and believe me, I hate the damn song on a personal level, but by your logic it should be completely acceptable). So please allow me to say, you’re talking out your ass about sensitivity you self-righteous cunts.

You want to alienate an entire cultural sect of your country? This is how you do it. You can’t tell me that it’s acceptable to follow this logic; and I sure as fuck won’t stand for it. But let’s leave the struggles behind (note that it’s plural you bloody morons) and focus on the issue at hand: Julius “Shut-Your-Goddamn-Mouth” Malema. How in the name of god are you expecting this cunt to be representative of cohesion between our various groups? HOW? Firstly, in case nobody noticed, he was 10 years old when Apartheid fell! That means that he doesn’t have a smidgen of understanding what the struggle was about… while the greats like Steve Biko and Nelson Mandela were fighting oppression, Malema was fighting to get out of his mother’s womb. Not only does this bastard think he’s a smart-ass by inspiring hatred for the Boers 16 years after the fall of Apartheid, but he expects us to keep our mouths shut. Allow me to say “fuck you, you idiotic, uneducated, self-righteous, narcissistic cunt”. And now he’s being compared to Nelson Mandela?? WHAT THE FUCK?!? Dada was a leader of unparalleled greatness; Malema is an ass to an incomprehensible degree. Julius, you’ve not only turned our democracy into a joke, but you’ve succeeded in alienating potential voters through your idiotic remarks. Democracy is described as giving representation to the minorities; maybe if you’d finished your education you may know this.

He’s turned our democracy into a fucking “shit-slinging” match; instead of blabbering on about shit you have no idea about, why don’t you go and focus on convincing us with your political stance; not making a total mockery of yourself. I am ashamed to say that you and I share the same country of birth; the same mother Africa. Julius, mate, you’re about as tactful in your approach as a bull in a china shop. You, my friend, are a danger to society; a political and social sociopath. You are, in fact, a fucking monkey; all you do is piss on people and throw your feces around (and I don’t mean monkey in a racial slander, but in fact I am referring to his absolute idiocy).

So in conclusion: We (the Afrikaners) haven’t been the “over-sensitive” ones in the past 16 years, I think we’ve been quite understanding and very willing to accept change. We (the people of South Africa) are disgusted to have him as a consideration for our leadership. And I (in my personal capacity) believe you are a bloody moron; a total joke to our nation and you make me wish that idiocy was a justifiable reason for capital punishment. In absolute conclusion: Fuck you.

Legion should come with these as standard extras

See more great suggestions here via Next Round

A Very Blunt Review of Ubuntu

I’m one of those guys that have tried most OS’ as soon as they are available from my mates online, at a drastically reduced (or as free as possible) price. One that is always available for free without the fear of Microsoft Police knocking on your door… Ubuntu. Now, I haven’t used Ubuntu myself, but I have used a few of the previous Linux releases (Redhat, SuSe) and all of them have unfortunately been a terrible pain in the ass. Ubuntu was to be the ‘release to salvage Linux’ as a consumer OS, but as Funny Crave writes, unfortunately it fails dismally like our healthcare system and the iPad…

See the review here via Funny Crave

Spyker Picks Up Saab For a Cool $400mil

Generally speaking, car manufacturers have been shitting themselves over sales for the past few years, with the collapse of GM last year bringing the final blow to the automotive industry. After their bailout and restructuring, GM has decided to focus primarily on US markets and sell of struggling brands like Hummer and Saab.

To save the 72 year old Saab from ultimate collapse, Dutch supercar manufacturer Spyker has opted to purchase the ex-Swedish automotive powerhouse. Reports are suggesting a price tag of around $400mil, with another $100mil in Saab’s liquidity.

Read the full story here via Business Week

Secret Eastereggs in Fine Art
When speaking with people in the art world, it’s probably better to not have any idea what the fuck you’re talking about. This way you can always remain vague and slightly confusing in your commentary. But sometimes staring into a Mone or Da Vinci can produce more than tilted heads with estranged looks.
Here are 8 easter-eggs you wouldn’t expect to see from the rennaisance masters.
Easter Eggs in Fine Art via Cracked

Pickles are cool
You’ve heard it on the radio, in pubs devoid of any dexent rock and late night at your fat cousin’s 19th birthday; yes we’re referring to Nickelback. Sad as it may be, this (spitoei) “band” has sold millions of albums world-wide and racked up almost 1.4 million fans on Facebook. Are they worthy of this? Hell no, but I know who deserves it more: this pickle!
Can This Pickle Get More Fans than Nickelback via FunnyCrave

Weirdly Specific Magazines
So you’re waiting at the dentist, chewing your fingers to fucking bits as the seconds tick away to your dental doom. In an attempt to quiet your jitters, you fuddle on the coffee table for a magazinw and pick up… Babysitter Weekly? How many babysitters come here? Enough to justify having industry magazines for them to catch up on the ‘newest’ burping techniques? Well, settle in for five of the weirdest topic-specific magazine’s you’ll ever see.
Weirdly Specific Magazines via FunnyCrave

Weird-Ass Festivals
We’re all festive types. Celebration is more than just an excuse to get shit-faced, and festivals allow us the opportunity to get totally shit-faced with thousands of other people! Here’s a selection of weird-ass festivals from all around the world.
Weird Festivals via Dark Roasted Blend

Growing Old
One of the really cool things about getting old is you can give people shit just cause you feel like it. Swear at kids, shake your cane at politicians and even shit yourself so someone else can clean it up. With the advent of modern medicine, we can all look forward to a ripe old age and years of smelling like cabbage. Time’s Special Report seeks answer to the question: How can we lice to 100?
Live to 100 Years via Time

My role-models growing up... Scary, I know

Link via Neatorama

So here’s just another random net find to double-check for a last time that it works…

Allow me to congratulate you on a truly dismal attempt at creating a leading video. After all the hype I was expecting something a little more substantial, and maybe an original concept wouldn’t have hurt either.

Somehow it isn’t all too surprising, seeing as Parlotones management (and the brand itself) is more well-known for it’s support of corporate marketing methodology (ala SonyEricsson & KFC deals) rather than breaking into the charts and the hearts of fans with their musical talent (pity you can’t get paid in talent too, eh?). Please also allow me to extend my services in not making you look like a sold-out, dried out band before you even began, and yes, Life’s Design sticks out like a severed finger in your SnackBox. Rumours have pointed towards a 2bar+ pricetag for that shoot; in case you didn’t notice you got ripped the fuck off! I guess the promotion of the video ate up a considerable chunk of your budget, but surely you could have used the R467 you spent on filming a little better.

I guess more than anything my frustrations are inspired more by your lack of integrity in the means of promoting yourselves and less by the absolute lack of original creative input (do remember to send Bono a few royalty checques soon), so allow me to say how fucking disappointed I am. With your next album I’d like to make a formal request that you please don’t brand our bread, do not create a handycam video for 50 bucks and please, for the love of god, release an album worth listening before you attempt to schmear your logo and eyeliner runs all over the media

Yours sincerely,

George B Shaw invites Winston Churchill to his play...